You might remember Stacy London from the hit show What Not to Wear, where she helped people transform their style and confidence. Now, the former star is opening up about a deeply personal chapter in her life. In a heartfelt essay for Refinery29, Stacy, now 48, reveals the emotional and financial turmoil she faced following a back surgery in December 2016. She describes herself as feeling “broken” during this challenging period.
Her Honest Take on the Pain and Struggles
In her essay, Stacy shares how the back surgery didn’t just affect her physically but also took a toll on her emotionally. She admits, “The truth is, I didn’t understand the extent to which back surgery would cripple me — emotionally and physically.” Stacy talks about the agonizing moments in the hospital, moments that left her feeling vulnerable and scared. Her journey wasn’t just about physical recovery; it was a battle with her mental health too.
ONE YEAR AGO TODAY. Disabled, immobilized, terrified. Spine surgery. This year has been hard work but I wouldn’t trade it for anything: I’m out of chronic pain physically AND psychologically. It feels like it was yesterday and at the same time, so very long ago. I have my friends, family and @hspecialsurgery to thank for that. #countyourblessings PS: pretty sure I took this selfie high on Oxy, Fentanyl and Ketamine. Although I don’t really know whether it was a selfie or not. TBH, I don’t remember much of anything. #fuck2017
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Financial Woes Compounded Her Difficulties
Stacy’s recovery journey stretched longer than anticipated, leading her into a financial bind. “Everything was foggy” during this time, she admits. She realized she wasn’t just without a job but also without a sense of purpose. “I had nothing to hold on to,” she says. Stacy confesses she wasn’t thinking about her finances, instead focusing on anything that could ease her recovery. “I would have thrown money at anything — material or procedural — to make the recovery process easier,” she explains.
She continues, “The problem was that while I had planned financially for the first year off, I hadn’t planned for the second. I felt secure enough not to panic right away — I just had to get through six weeks, right? But it became obvious that six weeks was just the start of my recovery, including the first follow-up visit to my surgeon post-surgery (which I am still paying off).” Stacy wasn’t even allowed to start physical therapy yet and had to venture outside wearing a brace that felt like a jet pack.
Dealing with Emotional Turmoil
As the weeks turned into months, Stacy found herself spending a lot of money to cope with the pain. But things took a darker turn. “Sometime after the eight-week mark, I started to feel… well, weird,” she wrote. “Paranoid in a way I’ve never experienced before. I didn’t want to go outside because my anxiety of slipping or someone bumping into me was too much to bear. I was so anxious it was impossible to sleep; I’d have uncontrollable fits of crying. I didn’t feel sad exactly, I just felt sick. Like something was eating me alive.”
Stacy later discovered she was experiencing clinical depression, which is common after surgeries involving the spine, brain, and heart. “The body is traumatized on a deep, subconscious level,” she explains. “My guess is the body feels like it’s dying. It’s scary. And no one really explained this to me.”
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Love on the 11th floor. The first and only post I'll be making from @hspecialsurgery – 5 days after spinal surgery I can stand and walk. Maybe even a little faster than @nickonken 😉 (And before any comments – my penguin pjs were special soft ones for my surgery from @meijerstores so back off.😉)
Her Road to Recovery
Stacy eventually found ways to cope with her depression. “You know what is a great salve for depression? Pretending you don’t have it,” she says. While shopping and fantasies provided a temporary escape, she found that physical therapy gave her structure and helped chart her healing. “In fact, having appointments gave structure to my days and a way to chart my healing,” she explains.
After months of healing, Stacy is now feeling better. “Today, though, there is a new year ahead of me. And I am very conscious of my mistakes and my need to rectify them, not just to stay afloat but to banish this serious knock to my own sense of self-esteem,” she reflects. “A lot broke last year. And from all that brokenness, there is no other choice but to affirm life.”
She concludes, “It means picking up the pieces of mine off the floor. There are so many shards, sometimes I feel like it will be impossible to put them all back together. Being broken doesn’t presuppose you can put yourself back together just as you were. It means there will be cracks and wounds, battlecries of a life lived and mistakes made. We move forward, and everything changes. Nothing is static, including me. I don’t know if this new year will be better than the last one. Everyone keeps telling me not to worry. How could things get worse? I honestly don’t want to know the answer to that. What I want now is some glue. And hope is very sticky, indeed.”
